3 Insider Secrets--Revealed!

A few things labor nurses know, but aren't sure why:
The longer the labor, the more likely the 5 p.m. C-section. It's not about dinner plans--most on-call doctors don't schedule other activities. By early evening, though, some might be thinking that labor's been going on all day and you should be done by now. Or they may not want to leave your delivery for the next doctor on call. Evaluate the situation carefully if both you and the baby are doing well.
The longer the birth plan, the more the interventions. Four single-spaced pages? You're heading for the operating room. Make it short--one page or less and very flexible.
The bigger the entourage, the longer the labor. Is it because you're focused on your company instead of the labor? You'll probably be less mobile and more concerned about modesty if you're entertaining guests.

Fitness:

Prenatal Workouts

> The Pregnant Woman's Guide to the Gym

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Postnatal Workouts

> Strollers Boost Calorie Burn

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Target Training

> Top Secrets

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Labor Prep

> All Exercise is Labor Prep

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Inside Information

What you can learn from a longtime labor nurse

By Jeanne Faulkner, R.N.

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The job description: Registered nurse specializing in inpatient obstetrics. Provides expert care of mother and baby through labor, birth and recovery; monitors fetal heart and contractions; cleans up mess. Adjusts for quirks, temperaments and family drama. Coaches dad, pampers siblings. Translates medical-speak. Serves as cheerleader, drill sergeant and best friend du jour. Your labor nurse might spend more time with you in one shift than your obstetrician does in nine months. Here's what she wants you to know.

You can't shock or gross us out. We've seen it all. You aren't the first woman to go into labor with unshaved legs, unwashed hair and a bikini zone that hasn't seen wax in ages, if ever. We don't care. If there's time, start labor freshly showered. Bonus points for shaved legs and pedicures (who can reach?). Bikini area? Whatever. We don't care how much (or little) hair there is or what color it is. Jewelry gets in the way. (Rings can stay.) Body piercings--remove first. Tiaras--optional, though you are the queen. And don't worry about pooping, yelling, getting out of control. That said, pain's no excuse for meanness.

We aim to please--but please be flexible. Birth is unpredictable, and flexibility makes for a smoother delivery (not to mention parenting). Tell us and your doctor what you want well beforehand--we'll try to deliver. However, we can't guarantee every item on your birth plan wish list. (For more on this, see "3 Insider Secrets--Revealed!" left.) It's tough being born, and some babies need a little help getting out. It's no picnic for mom, either, and sometimes plans fly out the window once labor gets serious. So we won't hold you to every pre-labor promise you made, like "I won't, won't, won't get an epidural--just deep breathing for me!"

We really do need to perform all those cervical exams. We can tell lots by how a cervix feels, its position and how fast it's changing. But we know that no one likes these exams, so we try to only do them to determine whether you're ready for your next step, such as getting an epidural or starting to push.


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From June/July 2006
Unshockable Jeanne Faulkner, R.N., has been a labor nurse for 16 years. She has four children and lives in Portland, Ore.

User Comments:

  1. Loved this article....laughed out loud and learned a ton! Thanks!
    — Jessie
  2. That's the most honest, informative, hilarious column I've ever read about what to know before... (View Full Comments)
    — Sara


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