50 Things Every Guy Should Know About Pregnancy And Parenthood

Two fathers share the nitty-gritty.

21.  Your child will like her best for a long time. You’ll get your turn — it just comes much later.

22. Tell everybody about the birth. It’s one of the few times people will be genuinely happy about your good fortune.

23.  No one knows why babies use so many clothes, especially since they don’t get out much. It’s one of life’s little mysteries.

24.  It’s perfectly normal to stare at a sleeping baby for two hours. It’s even normal to videotape a sleeping baby for two hours.

25.  Whatever bad phase your kid is going through, you’ll find a solution. However, by the time you do that, he or she will be on to a new, even more confusing phase.

26.  Things you thought would make you sick but won’t:  baby poop, baby pee, baby puke — and having all of them on your shirt.

27.  During the third month home — yep. Lasagna.

28.  Pregnant sex is a wonderful thing. Just save the blank videotape for the baby.

29.  While we’re on the subject of sex, it’s called “making love” and will be for at least a year.

30.  Take a flask to the hospital.

31.  She’ll have the appetite of a truck driver. Don’t compete.

32.  Try not to talk incessantly about your baby at work. There’ll be plenty of time for that when you get home.
If she wants drugs during childbirth, go get the doctor. Don’t ask, “Are you sure?”

33.  If she wants drugs during childbirth, go get the doctor.  Don't ask, "Are you sure?"

34. The most surprising thing to come out of your wife during delivery will be the string of curses she directs at you, your mother and your mother’s mother.

35.  Sometime after the birth, you and your wife will go on a “date.” Midway through, she’ll start missing the baby. Don’t worry; the condition doesn’t last forever.

36.  You’ll get more advice from your childless friends. Parents will usually shrug and say, “It’ll pass.”

37.  Now you know why your friends with newborns never let you visit, except to bring food.

38.  A nanny is not a lactation consultant is not a day nurse is not a midwife is not a La Leche League leader is not a gynecologist is not a pediatrician. The only thing they have in common is your checkbook.

39.  After a slew of family visits, you will learn to appreciate “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

40.  You don’t really have to be in the delivery room. You don’t really have to expect her to talk to you again, either.