16. There will come a day when you’ll be your child’s hero. Enjoy it — it won’t last.
17. Contractions are funny things (not ha-ha funny, either). Chances are they won’t match the chart you get at Lamaze. When she says it’s time to call the doctor and go to the hospital, it’s time to call the doctor and go to the hospital.
18. When your mother pulls you aside and tells you that breastfeeding will ruin her breasts, that babies only need to eat every four hours and that if you pick him up every time he cries he’ll never be independent enough to go to summer camp, don’t believe her.
19. During the second week home from the hospital, you will learn to love lasagna.
20. You’ll be surprised and amazed how well you can function on so little sleep.
21. Your child will like her best for a long time. You’ll get your turn — it just comes much later.
22. Tell everybody about the birth. It’s one of the few times people will be genuinely happy about your good fortune.
23. No one knows why babies use so many clothes, especially since they don’t get out much. It’s one of life’s little mysteries.
24. It’s perfectly normal to stare at a sleeping baby for two hours. It’s even normal to videotape a sleeping baby for two hours.
25. Whatever bad phase your kid is going through, you’ll find a solution. However, by the time you do that, he or she will be on to a new, even more confusing phase.
26. Things you thought would make you sick but won’t: baby poop, baby pee, baby puke — and having all of them on your shirt.
27. During the third month home — yep. Lasagna.
28. Pregnant sex is a wonderful thing.
29. While we’re on the subject of sex, it’s called “making love” and will be for at least a year.
30. Take a flask to the hospital.
31. She’ll have the appetite of a truck driver—and for good reason: she's feeding your child! Save the commentary.
32. Try not to talk incessantly about your baby at work. There’ll be plenty of time for that when you get home.