How to Help Someone Struggling With Infertility

The path to becoming a parent isn't always easy. Here's what to say to a friend who is struggling with infertility.

Group of smiling friends with a baby
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If someone close to you is struggling with infertility, it can be difficult to know what to say—especially if you happen to be going through pregnancy yourself. You likely want to offer support, but don't want to overstep or intrude. And how much is too much when it comes to talking about your own pregnancy or parenting experiences?

Infertility, or the inability to get pregnant after one year of trying to conceive (or 6 months if you're over 35 years old), affects people of all backgrounds and genders. According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NIH), about 9% of people who identify as men and 11% of people who identify as women of reproductive age in the United States are impacted by infertility.

We've gathered up some tips for starting conversations and offering support to friends who may be coping with this obstacle in their childrearing journey. Read on to learn more about how to help, what to say, and ways to just simply be there for a friend who is struggling with infertility.

How to Talk About Infertility

It can be challenging to know how to begin the conversation about infertility. Here are a couple of strategies for broaching the subject with a friend.

Take the issue seriously and remind your friend that it's not their fault.

"Infertility can be an uncomfortable topic, so people often try to minimize the problem when talking to friends dealing with it," says Barbara Collura, president and CEO of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. Try to avoid downplaying, or offering "perspective" about how things could be worse. Collura also points out that there's often a lot of self-blame that happens with infertility, especially if the diagnosis has been linked to one partner. When you're immersed in the emotions, it can be easy to forget that infertility can affect anyone of any gender, and ultimately is no one's fault. If your friend is struggling with guilt, remind them that they aren't to blame, and that they did nothing wrong.

If you're currently pregnant, be mindful before complaining.

There's no doubt that pregnancy comes with aches, pains, and plenty to gripe about. But for someone currently dealing with infertility, they might feel as though they'd give anything to experience the discomfort of pregnancy that other people are so quick to vent about. Collura advises folks to think twice before putting a friend coping with infertility in the position of comforting you on your pregnancy woes. Of course, if your friend specifically asks how your pregnancy is going, or expresses concern because you seem worn out, tell them the truth—but exercise some extra care before expecting them to be a sounding board.

Key Takeaway

Talking about infertility with a friend can be tricky, and it can be hard to know what to say. Ultimately, it's important to offer your ongoing support, remind them that they aren't to blame, and meet them where they are in their emotions.

Ways to Offer Support to Someone Dealing With Infertility

Offering to listen to a friend talk through their struggles can be incredibly meaningful, as can understanding if they need to pass on a baby shower or other similar events. It can be too easy to simply keep your distance when things become difficult, but consider how you'd feel if the situation were reversed. Continuing to include these friends in your life will make it much easier to sustain the relationship in the future—when you might be the one who needs someone to lean on. Here are some other ways to offer support to your friend coping with infertility.

Offer up meaningful connections.

Sometimes, it can be helpful to talk to someone who has experienced the same hardship as you, because it allows you to bond and connect in ways others might not understand. If you have another friend who has experienced infertility, offer to make an introduction in the event they might want to share stories, swap experiences, or simply vent together.

Encourage your friend to prioritize themselves.

Katie, 37, of Chicago says that after a friend told her "It's OK to be selfish right now," she felt a swarm of relief, realizing she didn't always have to put on a brave face. "I used it as an excuse to get a massage, to sleep in if I didn't have to be up for anything, and also as an excuse for an extra fun dessert here and there as a pick-me-up," she explains. "I love exercise but as treatments intensified, I had to drop a lot of that, so instead I would walk to get a coffee and biscotti."

Don't hide your own news.

When Leigh Kolb, 32, of New Haven, Missouri, was trying to get pregnant, she noticed that friends were reluctant to share their own good news. Some would even avoid making plans with her, which only pushed her deeper into her own inner grief. "I could almost always separate my happiness for friends from my sadness for myself," she remembers. That said, she knew herself well enough to realize that tears were a strong possibility, so she suggests sharing any pregnancy news via phone. "That way, I could be excited, and then we'd hang up and I could be alone with my thoughts."

Say it with flowers.

Sometimes even the most carefully planned words can't express what a simple arrangement of white peonies can. It doesn't matter what they are or how much they cost—flowers brighten even the glummest of days. Shannon, 35, says the unexpected gesture made her feel about as good as anything possibly could during those months of trying and waiting. If your friend is having trouble, send them something lovely—after a round of treatments, on Mother's Day, or just because.

Volunteer to be a support person.

If your friend doesn't have a partner to accompany them to treatments or doctor's appointments, consider offering to go with them, or meet them afterward with a coffee. Of course, offering your support doesn't always look like attending the waiting room, especially given that fertility treatment can be intimate and private, so this will depend on the nature of the relationship with your friend. Support can also look like sending a gift card for Uber eats or their favorite restaurant, or offering to take them out to dinner after they've completed a round of treatment.

Remind them that you're there for them, no matter what.

Most importantly, you'll want to remind your friend that you're there for them. That you're there to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on, and to sit with them through the hard feelings. Don't rush them through pain or grief, but rather, meet them where they are. Sometimes, just feeling seen by a friend can make all the difference.

Updated by Leslie Goldman
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  1. National Institute of Health. How common is infertility?

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