Month 6: Fire retro rockets
The obvious presence of a growing third party makes sex … weird. This is not the ménage à trois you’ve fantasized about. The idea of harming the baby is frightening. But the cervix is sealed, protecting the fetus from infection, and the amniotic fluid and uterine walls shield the baby from even your most impressive thrusts. (Slightly sobering note No. 2: Avoid deep penetration if there’s any bleeding.)
Month 7: To the moon
Blood flow really begins to increase where it counts — the same place as when she’s aroused. That spells sexual sensitivity and orgasm with a capital O. She may experience intense, long-lasting climaxes that sometimes feature equally long-lasting aftershocks. Pretend that you actually had something to do with it.
Month 8: Docking in space
Her size is officially an impediment to sex. Frontal penetration is virtually impossible (unless, as Vicki Iovine writes in The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy, you have a 24-inch penis). Solution: Try new positions. I’d tell you which are most successful but, hey, that would spoil your fun.
Month 9: Touchdown
With baby packed, ready and but a brief stork flight away, it’s freak-out time again. (In other words, see Month 1, only without the vomiting.) Oh, and by the way: Say her water breaks at 6 a.m., and by noon she’s still not in active labor. Stimulating her nipples and genitals can help bring on contractions. Warning: Don’t expect her to return the favor.
When she starts to reconnect with her sexuality and gets a green light from her doctor — and, yes, when the baby stops crying for a few minutes — you will rediscover the bedroom (or wherever the baby isn’t). Some couples take longer than others to do this; I’ve heard of men who were so transformed by what they observed in the delivery room that they took up to a year to move past those images. Others have gotten right back into the sexual swing without missing a beat. Here’s hoping you’ll be one of them.