Month 8: Docking in space
Her size is officially an impediment to sex. Frontal penetration is virtually impossible (unless, as Vicki Iovine writes in The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy, you have a 24-inch penis). Solution: Try new positions. I’d tell you which are most successful but, hey, that would spoil your fun.
Month 9: Touchdown
With baby packed, ready and but a brief stork flight away, it’s freak-out time again. (In other words, see Month 1, only without the vomiting.) Oh, and by the way: Say her water breaks at 6 a.m., and by noon she’s still not in active labor. Stimulating her nipples and genitals can help bring on contractions. Warning: Don’t expect her to return the favor.
When she starts to reconnect with her sexuality and gets a green light from her doctor — and, yes, when the baby stops crying for a few minutes — you will rediscover the bedroom (or wherever the baby isn’t). Some couples take longer than others to do this; I’ve heard of men who were so transformed by what they observed in the delivery room that they took up to a year to move past those images. Others have gotten right back into the sexual swing without missing a beat. Here’s hoping you’ll be one of them.