May 12, 2008: Week 18
This past week I had the ultrasound that officially confirmed the sex of the baby. On Tuesday night Nelson and I opened the results, which we had the doctor seal in an envelope. To be honest, I already knew the results. At my 12 week ultrasound, I saw some suspicious anatomy. Just as I spotted it, the doctor asked me if I had girls or boys at home. This gave it away. I knew he was looking between the legs and if my gut, and limited knowledge of what baby anatomy looks like via ultrasound was correct, then we were having a boy. Sure enough, the 18 week ultrasound confirmed my guess. It's a boy!
I bought Nelson a cute little onesie that says "Daddy's Little Wingman" on it. Since Nelson's a pilot, I knew he would appreciate the sentiment. As I wrapped the tiny t-shirt up, it felt strange to look at the blue garment that will soon be wrapped around my son. My son. I can barely think it or utter it out loud. It feels so foreign to me. I'm used to princess pajamas, hello kitty, and organizing 10,000 hair clips a day. I'm used to emotional outbursts and dramatic reenactments. I'm used to screaming fits when bugs or worms get close. And I'm used to playing with baby dolls and dressing up like fairies. Of course, it's not to say my son won't or can't do any of these things. But from what I hear, there will be differences. Big differences. Differences that I will love, I'm told. But all of a sudden, I'm feeling like a first-time mom again.
I have all kinds of worries. Will I bond with a boy as quickly as I bonded with Julia and Elise? And this may sound weird, but will breastfeeding feel as natural? Will I enjoy the physicality that boys so often possess? Of course, deep down I know the love will appear like magic just like it did with the girls. And yet, I still fear that having a boy won't be the same.
And what about boy names? I have lists and lists of potential names for girls. But Nelson and I have yet to ever agree on a boy name. It's another example of how unprepared I am to welcome a son. Nelson on the other hand, will be so at ease. He already is a pro at being a father. And since he has the whole infant thing down, I think he'll really shine from the moment our little boy is born. I can see him rocking him, talking to him about fishing, camping, flying and joining the Marine Corps. Now that I think about it, that's exactly what he did with the girls (OK, minus the Marine Corps part). So I guess I'll take his lead. I too will rock our little boy. And just like with the girls I'll sing "Amazing Grace" and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." I guess when it comes down to it, the love is the same no matter what color onesie your baby wears. As for the rest of it, I'll just have to figure it out.