Looking Back

7.27.10 The end of the road

sasha final post article.jpg

This will be my last post for Fit Pregnancy.

And this past week, I came to a new conclusion: it is not that I am burnt out on running, it’s just that I no longer need it in the same way.

I used to pour all my frustrations and anger into my running, but now, I am in a place in my life where a lot of that toxicity is gone. I still love running, but I no longer need it like I did and so I am less motivated to push myself past the point of comfort.

The past year has been a whirlwind of ups and downs, from training all summer last year to feeling defeated and exhausted this year. I am not sure where running is going, but I have learned a lot in the past year about running and myself.

I set a lofty goal, narrowly missed it and then had a major stumble. I learned that sometimes you have to let things go a little to be happy and I confronted some of my own doubts and insecurities and let go of many things (and people) who were not working.

It has been a wild ride and while I am sad to go, I also know it is time. I have just accepted a full time staff writer position and left the job I took last March. It is a big leap, but it is a good one, one I hope will allow me to have the time I want with my family while also allowing me to be creative and contribute to our household income.

Things are changing. A year ago, I was basically a stay at home mom with a baby and a toddler who occasionally wrote, now I am a staff writer with a website with children who will both be in preschool three days a week this fall.

As for my running, it is still there. I am experimenting with barefoot running and with more frequent, shorter runs.

I feel like in the past few months, I have learned a lot about choosing life on my own terms and when I celebrated my birthday last week, I felt great about where I am at my age: I have a career that is interesting and exciting, a husband I am more in love with every day, friends who I actually like and children who complete our family (though I am not ruling out a third).

This year I did a lot of weeding of things that were not working. I released some toxic people I fooled myself for years thinking I needed. I cultivated deeper friendships with people who actually make me feel good about myself and I embraced a career again, which is something I have discovered I really need to be happy and fulfilled.

In short, I am grateful for my life right now and there is no marathon or half marathon time that could make my life any better than it is at this moment. I know that. And I am totally, 100 percent ok with it. I may marathon again, but when I do, it will be for the right reasons.

Sunday morning, the kids got up around 8 and piled into our bed. I could smell the musky sweat in Sam’s hair and Alan cuddled up beside me begging to “nursi mommy!” I pulled him close and kissed his soft cheeks. We laughed, rolling around and playing. Rob and I chatted about the day, making plans and joking. Around 9, we got out of bed and made pancakes, Rob playfully smacking my rear and us stopping to hug every few minutes.

A few months ago, I would have missed all that. I would have been out running and after three hours, I would have returned sweaty and pained, my stomach wonky and my legs exhausted.

On Sunday, I played with my family instead and then did a slow five-miler later in the day.

It was spectacular.

Sasha Brown-Worsham is a writer, a mother and an unabashed, unashamed runaholic. Find Sasha over at The Stir A Cafe Mom blog.