Baby-making sex isn't always fun, especially if you're having trouble conceiving. From the experts, here's how to make it better and get you pregnant faster.
The moment you go birth-control-free, your sex life changes. While some couples find the whole making-a-baby process easy, for others, it can take a little longer. If this is you, your intimate life might feel like a timed obstacle course where you're the ringleader and your hubby is the lead act on display.
Hey, it happens. And sometimes, you both might feel exhausted and not in the mood—like, at all. But if your fertility timeline, new diet, timed intercourse and taking your temperature (um, down there) is leaving you and your guy fighting more than you're loving, it might be time to address the situation. Here, sex and marriage experts weigh in on making the whole process more fun and less like a full-time job.
First, give yourself a break
Holistic fertility specialist, Sally Kravich, CNHP, CNC, says women often make sex into a chore when they're having a difficult time getting pregnant. Not only do they place blame—on themselves or their partner—but they might start to feel resentment, too. Before anything can happen, it's important to let you—and hubby—off the hook. "Women need to realize that their mate, and they themselves, have to turn the love light on, rather than demand action," Kravich says. "It's important to bring fun, spontaneity, and juicy love back into their lives without the pressure of the fertility time clock."
Talk less, play more
Even couples who aren't trying to make a baby know how unattractive complaining and moaning can be. Not only is it not the sexiest thing you can do as a person, but it can take away from the love part of love-making. While it's normal and healthy to unload about your stressful day, if you want to come home and do the deed, Kravich advises skipping the daily dish and going straight to the bedroom. It'll make it feel hotter and more like you just met, instead of my-clock-is-ticking-right-this-moment.
Have sex even when you're not fertile
It might feel counterproductive to your ultimate goal of strollers and bibs, but when the need to orgasm strikes, take it—don't time it. Kravich suggests cooking dinner together one night when you both have some time to indulge. Take it slow, drink wine and let yourself relax. As for when to have sex? Anytime you want, but Kravich recommends trying the middle of the night, when you both have more energy, are warm and probably turned on.
Laugh about it
Of course, no one wants to struggle with fertility. But unfortunately, it happens. And one of the best parts about being in a strong, supportive relationship is that you have your partner to lean on, talk to and... laugh with. You might feel sensitive about it, but Kat Van Kirk, a licensed marriage and sex therapist, says humor can help lighten the situation. "Laughing together at the struggle, the anxiety and the stress can help diffuse how overwhelmed you both feel," she says. "It'll also help you approach fertility as a team and help you to manage stress. It can take the sting out of this touchy time."
Make it a game
There's nothing less sexy than a schedule that dictates each and every time you have sex. You can still do the deed at certain times to get the best results, but Van Kirk suggests making it a bit more playful by doing things like challenging each other to see how many times in a week you can sneak sex in. That way, you'll bring more of the adventure into your sex life that infertility might have put on hold.
Make a sex bucket list
Hey, if you're going to have more sex than you normally do, why not try the craziest sex positions you haven't even thought about yet? Take a cue from an erotic novel, buy a sex position book or, if you're up for it, watch porn together to discover some interesting new moves. Van Kirk says exploring your curiosity will help keep the sex fresh and fun, not monotonous. While you'll still be having sex when it's optimal timing for fertility, you'll also be discovering exciting ways to pleasure one another that you might keep in your regular sex routine, way after your baby—or babies—is born.
Play hooky, have nooky
Remember when you'd pretend to be sick so you could stay home from school? Kravich says to apply that same mentality in the grownup bedroom. For one day, call out of work and take full advantage of the day: sleep in, make breakfast slowly, go for a long walk, spend the day talking and reminiscing about the best parts of your relationship together. And of course, have sex throughout the day whenever the mood strikes. By being in on the act of "calling out" together, you'll bond and give yourself an entire day to make love, without the schedule.
Go on a baby-making vacation
Instead of saving up for that babymoon once you get pregnant, take a baby-making vacation now. "Sometimes a good trip away from the demands of work and family can be just what the doctor ordered," Van Kirk says. "It can help relieve stress and enable you to reconnect with what you love about your partner. It can also help to change your focus and feel renewed about the process once you return home."
Don't forget about your orgasm
Not only are orgasms healthy for you, but they're great for your relationship and for making babies. "Most often men trying to impregnate their female partners will ejaculate, but it is so important that a woman's orgasm not be forgotten," Van Kirk says. Why? It will make you feel closer to your hubby, and give you an even better chance of conceiving, as some experts believe the uterine contractions from an O can help guide sperm into the cervix.